To you,

You know who you are.

 

 

We were fine.

We were finally at peace.

We helped each other.

We saved each other.

We were fine,

 

 

 

 

Until we weren’t.

 

 

 

What happened?

It’s not you, it’s me.

Why?

I’m sorry.

I had finally rescued you, you were free. So why?

I am confused.

So why not come clean?

Don’t fall for me ever again.

You could’ve Let Me Down Slowly.

I’m just going to break your heart.

 

 

 

You already have

 

 

 

I knew what was up the night you told me that tomorrow was booked for you and you wouldn’t have much time to talk with me. My visions don’t lie, they tell the truth of what is to come. I told you a while ago, several months back that this would happen but you didn’t really believe me. I knew it was coming so I never truly got close. I projected a lot of my love but I think it was more platonic than I realise. I don’t know if I ever truly loved you, knowing that you still loved Her. I tried, I really did try to love you but I just knew I couldn’t have all of you, She still had your heart wrapped in thick chains, chains not even my own support, love, affection and willingness could break. I never tried to get too close even though I acted like it. I’ve learnt that much over the years. After so much heartbreak you begin to not really feel love anymore and you can fake it at will. I’m not saying my love was all fake though, it really was real at points but I just kept reminding myself of what She had that I would never have: Closeness.

You said all of these things, all of these promises. Promises to visit, promise to not leave me, a promise to never go back to her. You did exactly what you said that you would never do. For that, I can’t forgive you. Promises are promises and I expected too much. I should have learned from my past mistakes that promises made to me are always broken and I should never rely on someones words. This will be my last mistake. You left me. You left me for Her. I dragged you from her grip not once, not twice, not three fucking times, but four and each and every single time you went back to her nasty clutch. You truly can’t let go of the past, you wanted the pain. You wanted to go back to her knowing full well how she treats you and that disgusts me. You don’t know an emotionally abusive relationship if it was right in front of you. Do you realise how many sleepless nights I’ve had trying to Save you? Do you realise the emotions I experienced trying to Help you? Do you realise the amount of tears I shed because I didn’t want you to experience this? You don’t. You never will. I spent countless hours trying to open your eyes to what she was doing to you and what you were doing to yourself but you never opened your eyes fully. I give up trying to help you since you keep digging your own damn grave. I broke my own heart, my mind, trying to save you. I thought we were alright but as soon as we got into that relationship I knew where we were headed next: right back to square one, right where my vision led me. I played along, trying so hard to see if it would not follow my vision but it did. Every single interaction, every single thing, it all went right as my vision predicted and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I shouldn’t have tried to chase you, I shouldn’t have tried to get you out. I wasted my time because despite knowing how it would end I did it anyways because I’m a kind hearted person. 

 

Don’t try to come back.

 

If you try to come back as anything more than a friend, I won’t stand for it. I’m more mad and upset that you didn’t even bother to try and tell me about your feelings even though I already knew. I wanted to hear them from you but no, you blocked me everywhere, left every group, unfriended me from every game and left me in the dust. What if I never had that vision? Would I have chased you then? Would I have tried to get you back? Would I have broken down because yet another person in my life has left me? Would I have cried for you? No. I’ve been through this procedure so many times I’m numb. My first boyfriend left me after two years with a paragraph of why he was leaving me and he still is trying to get me back after 4 years. My second love, she cut me off, left me under much more agreeable circumstances, it just didn’t work and we were better off as friends. My third love had grown numb, he didn’t feel but he said goodbye and never came back after all this time but he still sent me off with SOMETHING for me to say goodbye to as well. Then there’s you. You Left With No Trace. Not even a simple goodbye, just left. Do you realize what that could’ve done to someone who was probably in their first relationship ever? That would have caused so much stress, depression, anxiety, self-doubt, their own self-worth would have been shot to the ground thinking that they did everything wrong. I’m lucky I was the one to deal with that and not some poor girl. Hate me all you want, I’ve been in so many relationships and friendships that have fallen apart the same way or similar that I’m used to this. I’m not foolish enough to end my life, I have too much to live and love for, but for me, even that hurt. It hurt me to see you just remove yourself from me completely, even if it was just for half a day. For a moment it made me feel worthless, like all of my past breakups hit me all at once. For a moment I was vulnerable, then I put up my walls again and just let it go. I won’t fall for it again.

 

I don’t know if I want to contact you for a while. I don’t want to have any contact with Her, that’s for damn sure. I want to remain as friends but my friends are so on edge about you I don’t think we could avoid a confrontation against you if you were to show your face again near them considering how much damage you caused me even before this breakup. I actually had to go to my friend’s house and cry after work and the entire time I was driving I debated so many outs just so I wouldn’t have to focus on you. It took a lot not to crash the car or just sit in a ditch and throw rocks, sticks, tear apart the ground, but I didn’t. I made it to her house without a scratch on me or the car. You left an impact on me, a huge one, but I still don’t know if it was good.

 

It hurt. It still hurts.

For that I can’t forgive you.

 

We were fine, until we weren’t.

 

You made your choice,

I’m debating my next move.